The Break Up

Train Rides Can Kill

I got up this morning and right away I knew it was going to be one of those mornings. First off, I was already late. I had set my alarm for 6:20am but in an attempt to get extra sleep and hitting the snooze button one too many times by the time I rolled out of bed it was 8:20am. Perhaps the only reason I did get up is that one of my dogs sat on my back while the other started gnawing on my hand.

I fed them and walked over to my computer, logged on and checked work emails and fired off a couple (to let the boss know that I was awake and working I suppose). I put the harnesses on the dogs and went downstairs to walk them.

As I was walking the little buggers I couldn’t help but smile at how simple their lives were. Get up, eat, drink, shit, pee, sleep, snuggle, play. That’s pretty much it. Then it brought me into a round about circle of how much I missed her and how we had raised these dogs together. I wonder if they were a little bit sad that their other owner, the mother of the pack was gone? Bringing them into their kennels today killed me in my heart. I almost wanted to apologize to them that things had not worked out and that they probably wouldn’t see their mom as much as they were accustomed to. I hope this feeling haunts me, because if this is how it feels for dogs, having kids and knowing that the parents are separated must be devastating to both parties. I can only hope and pray that I am one of the lucky ones that doesn’t end up in separation.

As I was walking them up, I strove to at least end the walk on a positive note. I have many things to be thankful for. I have a job in a unstable economy. I have a house that I can pay for. I have 2 wonderful dogs. I have a great circle of friends. I have a family that I can reach out to. I have people that do in fact love me.

I finally left the house and all I could think about on the train ride in was my past 5 years with this girl. How much we had loved each other, the fights we had, the good times. I couldn’t help but feel that I was losing my best friend. I thought of the times that I had messed up. The times I stayed on the computer longer than I should have when she was calling me to come to bed, or the times when I would let a bad day at work ruin a perfectly good evening. All those times… we all take for granted. By the time we had pulled into my stop, I was done with the day. I wasn’t going to cry. I just felt sad. This train ride had killed me.

One of the last thoughts I had was how much easier it would be if I had a metric shit ton of money. Like, winning a lottery. I already knew what I’d do. I’d set up college funds for all my nephews and nieces. I’d give my parents as much as they wanted, buy my mom a nice car, haha. I’d finally put my sister through a school of her choice, or, if she wanted, just open a business up with her. I’d open up a gym/mma school with one of my other friends. Take care of my mortgage and help a few of my close friends too.

I’d even give some money to her parents. Stupid I know from an outsider. But they took care of me more times than i could count. I honestly think if it was up to them we’d be together right now. I’d buy them that house in Vegas that they’ve always wanted. For her, as much as I know i should be forgetting about her, I’d buy her a 1998 Mazda Protege. A few years ago I had been driving to work and got into an accident. It was her car, and I had totalled it. She never asked me to pay for any of it. Just wanted to make sure I was ok.

Then, i’d wish her well, with her new guy, and say that I hope she was happy (even though in my mind I’d secretly hope not… ok, maybe not but whatever). Then I’d take a few of my closest buds and we’d go do up Vegas, Amsterdam, Ibiza, Spain, Brazil for a few months, just living it up.

Money solves everything.

I strolled into work finally at 10:30am.