The Break Up

Picking at Old Wounds

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:42:23 -0500

So, I realize that its been quite a while since I’ve written on here. A lot’s happened. Some good, some bad. I certainly wish I had journaled everything. I am at home right now. Sitting in my parent’s living room.

I know that its probably too little, too late. But I miss you. And when we hung out this past weekend, I could feel a little bit of the old feelings sort of breaking through the shell of black crusted scar tissue of what little heart I had left. I felt a stirring. Sort of like a sleeping dragon that was ready to wake from a deep sleep. But… I realize it may be too little, too late.

My Mom asked me about you today. “Is girlfriend coming?”. I told her no. I thought I had made it clear that we were no longer together. She asked me in tagalog if there was no hope of us ever getting back together again. I feel bad because I snapped at her and said, “No mom, please, please just stop talking about her.”

Truth is, I asked her to stop talking about you not because I hate you, but because I miss you so much and it just hurts to know that I may have messed up a chance to set all things right. I wish I could take back the things I said last week. I felt like you had pushed me into a corner that I couldn’t escape and feeling like a trapped and wounded animal that’s pushed, I reacted with fangs and claws beared.

I wish I could tell you, that I will always think of you, and always love you and hope that you are happy. But maybe its too little, too late.

You know what bothers me about you?

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 16:30:41 -0500

How fast you get over me.

Go on a date

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 12:10:34 -0500

[09:17] Me: this single thing is killing me
[09:17] Me: a) i don't feel like going out
[09:17] Me: b) i don't feel like going on dates yet
[09:17] Me: but
[09:18] Me: c) i feel lonely as fuck
[09:18] Me: fucking irony
[09:18] Special K: yeah man
[09:18] Special K: I know, I know...
[09:18] Special K: I tell you what...
[09:18] Special K: go on a date
[09:18] Special K: or multiple dates
[09:19] Me: i want to go on dates
[09:19] Special K: it's the best thing
[09:19] Me: i just don't think girls want to go on dates with me
[09:19] Me: lol
[09:19] Special K: well, you might be right
[09:19] Special K: hahaha
[09:19] Me: ahahahha
[09:19] Special K: naaah I'm just kidding
[09:19] Me: i'm goign to go cry now

Big Mistake

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 12:00:50 -0500

I don’t know what happened to me this week. I know that the last thing anyone should do is hang out with their ex’s. But I did. She had asked me to drop the dogs off and cried when i tried to leave. “I miss you” amidst the crying broke me down.

In the end I invited her over and she hung out. We had sex and it was great, but at the same time I couldn’t help but think, “Is she thinking of him while I’m having sex with her?”

She had training for work for a week so I dropped her off at the facility. We had sex again and I thought it was great.

Here’s the kicker, she calls me up and is weirded out that we hang out so much. Doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea. Why do I do this to myself?? She says to me, why would you hang out with a person like me after what I’ve done to you.

Zing.

I want to from now on have those words to resonate. Have some respect for yourself man!

Anyway, I haven’t called her. I think she’s called once or twice to say hi. I’ve noticed that she isn’t so needy or missy when she’s around people. I guess I’m the convenient, hey I’m feeling lonely so come hang out with me guy.

Halloween

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 11:54:10 -0500

This night was pretty crazy. All I know is that Flow and I tried to meet up with some of our friends at a pub crawl but the line that hit the corner outside of it made us change our minds and hit up the local irish bar instead.

The irish bar was pretty cool, the blonde bartender was a knockout dressed up as a cop with a shirt that had probably shrunk in the laundry. Thank you hot water.

We sat at a table and drank some jameson as we watched football highlights and watched girls walk in. There’s a part of me that wishes I was a bit more interesting, or hell, even a lot better looking so that it would be easier to go up there and just strike up conversations with these people. I wish there was a way to approach a girl without having her defenses come up and think uh oh this guy is hitting on me, because in the end, sometimes I do just want to talk. So, thoughts aside, I simply just people watched.

We stayed til about 10pm and then took off to a bar/lounge. We got in and there were just amazing looking girls everywhere. We were ushered to our table and were joined by some of Flo’s friends from work. They were of middle eastern descent and some of the girls that were with them were knockouts.

Anyway, at one point I had gone out to meet up with another of our friends, who I’ll call B. Good guy, doesn’t drink, smart. I go outside to have the bouncer let him in when I notice 3 girls talking. On a whim I start talking to one of them and we hit it off. She was talking in a silly english accent and don’t even recall what she was saying but in a flash, we were suddenly making out. WEIRD. Anyway, I say I’ll meet her inside and she says she’ll finish her cigarrette and that was that.

I make a few more rounds and get good eye contact from girls, but as soon as I approach I get a nope… Yikes. It was truly a bad night for my self esteem, save the girl who made out with me. However, I ran into her too, and story of my night… she gave me the cold shoulder. I don’t know what happened but i was feeling a bit down at that point.

My buddy Flow on the other hand heh, he was having a good night. As a little background, my friend Flow who I’ve known for maybe 8-9 years has as long as I’ve known him been in committed long term relationships. In every single one, he’s gotten the raw end of the deal. He was a good guy, faithful to the last and yet these girls had cheated, or just fallen out of love for him. His latest girlfriend, whom he had confessed to me that he was going to propose to last September broke up with him because she wasn’t ready. Pretty much, same boat as me.

Flow is a wealth management executive at one of the banks in the city that was still doing great even with the markets being down. He basically managed rich people’s money. As one can presume from this position, he is a likeable guy, easy to talk to, and charismatic. If anything, he seemed trustworthy to a stranger, and as a friend, i can vouch for it.

A few months ago, he found out that his ex had started dating someone else. This shattered his world. But. It also unleashed a side of Flow I’ve not seen ever before. I apologize now but I had always thought his stories of hooking up with random girls were just exaggerated at the very least. But lately as I’ve hung out with him, I can’t help but reassess my initial reactions to these stories and really believe it.

There was that one time when we were taking a cab home, and he started talking to a girl at one of the stop lights. He walked out of the cab, walked into her car, and they drove off and they hooked up. Craziness.

Tonight he was on fire. He was dancing with one of the Pink Ladies from Grease and she was loving it. Just a fucking social butterfly this guy was and I was happy for him. Not only that but proud of him too. Just a guy that finally came out of his shell and wasn’t worried about being in a long term relationship. In the end he went home with a girl dressed up as slutty <something>.

I went home, alone.

Being drunk, going home alone, seeing your friends have a great time, an easy time talking to girls, and having your self esteem smashed are not good combinations my friends.

I ended up calling my ex. Yes. I know. Bad idea. I asked her to come over and she said she would the next day but not tonight, her and her roommates were playing rock band or something. I don’t know what happened next. I threw a fit. Hung up and that was that. PATHETIC. I even got on her new guy’s blog and posted a comment about how I would beat his ass if I ever saw him. Yikes. I know. I KNOW! I’m sorry world for being a jack ass.

I passed out then feeling sorry for myself.

Been a while

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 11:28:50 -0500

I thought it’d be a good idea to document day by day the occurences of how its felt to just go through a break up. Weeks later I still feel hurt. I still am having a hard time talking to girls and connecting. What the hell is wrong with me.

About a week ago I ended up at a club/lounge that was having a “lingerie ball” hosted by all the strip clubs in the area. Awesome right? Yeah we thought so too. That is until we got there. It was me, my good friend who I shall now refer to as Flow and another guy named Big R. As soon as we walked in we were met with what looked like a scene from Gossip Girl. Underage white guys walked around with suit coats and jeans, noses in the air talking to even more underage girls in cocktail dresses inundated the top bar while downstairs even moreso. We all looked at each other and thought well, where are the strippers at? None to be found.

Perhaps the only girl that looked close to being our age or at least over 21 was sitting with another guy at one of the lounge chairs. Soon we found ourselves just drinking our trademark drink - Jameson on the rocks and hung back as we continued to watch the debutante ball that had suddenly sprung forth in front of us.

Drinks flowed and before you knew it, we were feeling pretty good. The crowd had pretty much stayed the same and the funny thing is that during one of my trips to the bathroom I had seen some cops walk in to check id’s. Wonderful. One of the things that irked me wasn’t that these kids were snobby, or that they “acted” like they were rich and part of the entitlement generation, it was the fact that they were rude and pushy. It all came to a head when as I was waiting for a drink, some guy reached over me, and the girl that I had previously said was my age. He literally reached over the girl’s shoulder, and stuck out a 20 dollar bill hoping to get the bartender’s attention.

At this point I almost lost it, but simply said, “Listen, you need to back off and wait your turn. I know this is the first time you’ve been in a bar but that’s not how it works. Maybe at your daddy’s backyard bbq’s that shit flies, but not here.” and added a slight shove.

He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Didn’t say a word and DID THE SAME THING. Even the bartender working our side of the bar looked up and yelled, “Wait your turn!” over the music.

I said, “You’re kidding right?” and as I stepped forward to annihilate the son of a bitch, his girlfriend stepped in and said, “I’m so sorry, he’s not normally like this” and led him away.

At this point the guy who was with his girl that looked over 21 stuck his hand out and said, “You’re good people man, thanks a lot”. As we talked I was disappointed to learn that the girl he was with WAS actually his girlfriend, but in the end they were both cool. I guess the girl is a waitress at a new bar opening up and he invited us to come check it out. Good stuff.

At this point in the night things got blurrier. Two of our other friends came to join us. Flow and Big R left, and I was left with the 2 guys. We finally found the strippers and that was actually kind of fun. At the end of the night, I had a number in my pocket and had shaken Andrei Orlovski’s hand (the MMA guy… nevermind).

And… at the end of the night, I was still very much lonely and missing this girl.

Gut check.

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:34:44 -0400

I made the mistake of taking a look at my ex’s tumblr. She has a photo of her with her guy eating lunch today. Life is a roller coaster right now.

I’ll have to admit, instead of the heart wrenching that I thought would occur, I thought to myself, what can I do? Absolutely nothing. Still pretty damn sad though.

Just need to soldier on.

I taught myself Oasis Wonderwall today on the guitar. Youtube has been a godsend in terms of showing strum patterns. I seem to be picking up guitar fairly fast, although, I really really wish I had a better voice to sing along. I sound just… weird. I feel like that’s how Gepetto from the old Pinochio cartoon would sound except all out of breath (and yes I run all the time, I just can’t sing too long).

50% Chance

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:30:12 -0400

So a bunch of my friends, God bless their souls took me out last night. I knew that they had collectively come together to get me out of the house and back out into the world because a) 2 of them never went out on Thursday nights and b) they hated lounge/club places.

The night started out well enough, and when the waitress came around to get our drinks, everyone ordered the usual, Johnny Walker Black or Jameson on the rocks. I ordered the very unusual: water. One of my friends looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I simply replied, “Drink when you are happy, don’t drink when you are down.”

This lead to a discussion of when its ok to drink. I have always held to the belief that ultimately, alcohol amplifies whatever mood you’re in. You start drinking happy, you get drunk happy. You start drinking mad, you get drunk.. mad? Anyway, you get my point. So in the interest of not turning into a crying bumbling idiot I opted to drink water. One of my friends then said, “Well, really, alcohol does amplify your mood, but it can also alter it. It’s almost like a 50% chance. You’ll either be really happy, or just fucking devastated.” He raised his eyebrow again and add, “Those are pretty good odds.”

5 minutes later, I was drinking Jameson on the rocks.

I came to realize 2 things, as the night progressed. 1) There were a lot of underage girls in this bar (yikes, not a fan simply because at my age, one’s gotta draw the line somewhere right?), and 2) I simply just had forgotten “game” or the art of talking to women.

As the night continued, more Jameson flowed into my hands and into my mouth and up into my brain. The great thing is, well, I landed that 50% and I WAS happy. In the back of my mind I knew that she had flown out last night and was probably laying in bed with this guy, but seriously, at this point, what can I do? She had chosen her bed so to speak.

Towards the end of the night, I noticed that there was this black girl that had been giving me the “eye” and the come hither smile, but I’ll admit, I was effing intimidated. She looked a lot like Alicia Keys, but maybe not as amazing. I kept passing her on the way to the bathroom and would nonchalantly pass by kicking myself because I had no words to say. Not even “Hey.”

The same friend who had given me my first drink earlier then pointed out a gaggle of girls, 5 of them to be exact, all dancing and having a great time. There was a amazing red head in the group and she seemed to be the mother hen of the group. I literally went back and forth in my head trying to figure out what to say, how to act. Finally it seemed like they were leaving and in an act of desperation I said, “Hey you’re not leaving are you?” She kind of nodded and said they were going to sit down. Yay, I look like a retard i thought. She smiled though and they sat down. My buddy gave me a pump fist and mouthed, “That’s a start”. Yeah… I guess.

Then, the night got crazier. She came back with her friend and they started talking to us and after some talking I managed to wrangle from her her number. No small feat in itself because I’ll be honest, I’m an average looking guy I suppose, and this girl was way prettier than I thought she was. I still couldn’t help but feel a little guilty but I soldiered on. While talking to redhead I noticed the Alicia Keys lookalike giving me the evil eye. Ouch. The redhead and her group then had to leave to go grab some food so I gave her a hug and she was on her way.

While waiting for my ride (a buddy of mine who had set this whole thing up) as he tried to some girl he had been seeing to come home with him, I noticed that AKL (Alicia Keys Lookalike) was by the door of the bar. Always a champion of originality I walked up to her and said, “Hey you’re not leaving yet are you?” She turned around smiled and said that they were and they were heading to a club called xxxxxx. Yikes. It was a Thursday night and I still had to work in the morning. I told her we’d try to make it and she gave me her number… Not bad I suppose.

We ended up eating at an amazing Mexican restaurant we had eaten at during what we termed “The Summer of Love”. A time period where all of the guys in the group were neither dating nor married. We had all just recently gotten jobs and we went out literally from Thursday through Saturday. How unfunny how things have come full circle.

Ended the night by texting the two girls (who probably will never call me back, but hey I’ll take it), and walking my dogs.

First step... Check.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:11:02 -0400

So everyone is telling me the best way to get past this hump is to keep busy and meet new people.

There’s this girl I bump into from time to time at work. She’s cute and has got a great smile, and on top of that has excellent taste in shoes. Yeah. I’m straight but I notice that shit too. Anyway, I had seen her over at a bar back in the city a good while ago and we had talked for a bit and in the end parted ways without so much as exchanging names and a few stories about work because a) I was in a relationship and b) she was engaged.

I gathered up some courage and talked to her even though half my body was telling me to keep walking. I stayed put and found out she wasn’t engaged anymore. Anyway, we might meet up this weekend. We’ll see. I still feel kinda guilty talking to other girls where the end prospect might be more than just a few drinks and laughs.

Hammer comes down

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 14:48:26 -0400

So, I guess she IS going out of town to visit her new guy. I hope he dies in a car crash.

Ok… Maybe not dies…. Just gets really badly hurt.

Ok… Maybe not even that. Maybe just have 50% of his face burned so that he looks like a whoopee cushion.

Geez. What have I become… :(

Even Co-Workers Help

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:34:00 -0400

[12:15] H: You're very quiet this week. everything okay with you?
[12:15] m: having a tough week
[12:15] H: web stuff?
[12:15] m: my girl for 5 years... we just broke up
[12:15] H: Oh no!!! im so sorry!
[12:15] m: yeah. been tough.
[12:15] m: :|
[12:15] H: :(
[12:15] m: i just try and focus on work
[12:16] H: I know that feeling
[12:16] m: sometimes i don't even want to come in
[12:16] H: yea just stay busy
[12:16] H: it'll get easier with time-easier said then done but its true
[12:16] m: yeah... that's the tough part
[12:16] m: getting through the time.
[12:18] H: I was dating a guy for almost 7 years then he left
[12:18] m: :(
[12:18] H: so i know exactly what u feel
[12:19] m: yeah.
[12:19] m: it hurts a ton.
[12:19] H: i remember i used to think world has come to an end
[12:19] H: only thing that helped me was stay busy with friends!!
[12:19] H: dont' drink!! :)
[12:19] m: yeah, agreed. I always lived by the motto, drink when you're happy, don't drink when you're down.

**I started tearing up the entire time she was IM'ing me. Managed to hold it off though.

Friends Help

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:28:29 -0400

[12:11] M: there's this girl that keeps texting
[12:11] D: nice
[12:11] M: she wants to bone i think. but...
[12:11] M: i don't really feel like it
[12:11] M: is that normal?
[12:11] D: yeah
[12:11] D: it is
[12:12] M: like... i feel like i'm cheating on her...
[12:12] D: don't try to force yourself
[12:12] M: even though we're done
[12:12] D: exactly
[12:12] M: i know... i just feel shitty
[12:12] M: still feel guilty
[12:12] D: she's the one that gave up
[12:12] D: not you

Random Girl

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:17:00 -0400

So this random girl keeps texting me. I had met her a week ago. Nothing special. I text her back to exchange niceties like how’s work, how’s your day, stuff like that. She wanted to talk on the phone last night, but I feigned sickness and said I had a sore throat.

I think she wants to hook up, but… I’m definitely not ready. Just writing this out is making my stomach kinda churn.

My friends have been at it already:

“Dude just do it.”

“You’re a lay away from feeling ok!”

“You’re single now. You’re feeling down. Go get laid. Go lay as much as you can, its the best medicine.”

I’m just not ready. The killer instinct I had before I met her has been replaced by a cuddly bear that just wants to hug and hang out. I miss her.

Train Rides Can Kill

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:11:00 -0400

I got up this morning and right away I knew it was going to be one of those mornings. First off, I was already late. I had set my alarm for 6:20am but in an attempt to get extra sleep and hitting the snooze button one too many times by the time I rolled out of bed it was 8:20am. Perhaps the only reason I did get up is that one of my dogs sat on my back while the other started gnawing on my hand.

I fed them and walked over to my computer, logged on and checked work emails and fired off a couple (to let the boss know that I was awake and working I suppose). I put the harnesses on the dogs and went downstairs to walk them.

As I was walking the little buggers I couldn’t help but smile at how simple their lives were. Get up, eat, drink, shit, pee, sleep, snuggle, play. That’s pretty much it. Then it brought me into a round about circle of how much I missed her and how we had raised these dogs together. I wonder if they were a little bit sad that their other owner, the mother of the pack was gone? Bringing them into their kennels today killed me in my heart. I almost wanted to apologize to them that things had not worked out and that they probably wouldn’t see their mom as much as they were accustomed to. I hope this feeling haunts me, because if this is how it feels for dogs, having kids and knowing that the parents are separated must be devastating to both parties. I can only hope and pray that I am one of the lucky ones that doesn’t end up in separation.

As I was walking them up, I strove to at least end the walk on a positive note. I have many things to be thankful for. I have a job in a unstable economy. I have a house that I can pay for. I have 2 wonderful dogs. I have a great circle of friends. I have a family that I can reach out to. I have people that do in fact love me.

I finally left the house and all I could think about on the train ride in was my past 5 years with this girl. How much we had loved each other, the fights we had, the good times. I couldn’t help but feel that I was losing my best friend. I thought of the times that I had messed up. The times I stayed on the computer longer than I should have when she was calling me to come to bed, or the times when I would let a bad day at work ruin a perfectly good evening. All those times… we all take for granted. By the time we had pulled into my stop, I was done with the day. I wasn’t going to cry. I just felt sad. This train ride had killed me.

One of the last thoughts I had was how much easier it would be if I had a metric shit ton of money. Like, winning a lottery. I already knew what I’d do. I’d set up college funds for all my nephews and nieces. I’d give my parents as much as they wanted, buy my mom a nice car, haha. I’d finally put my sister through a school of her choice, or, if she wanted, just open a business up with her. I’d open up a gym/mma school with one of my other friends. Take care of my mortgage and help a few of my close friends too.

I’d even give some money to her parents. Stupid I know from an outsider. But they took care of me more times than i could count. I honestly think if it was up to them we’d be together right now. I’d buy them that house in Vegas that they’ve always wanted. For her, as much as I know i should be forgetting about her, I’d buy her a 1998 Mazda Protege. A few years ago I had been driving to work and got into an accident. It was her car, and I had totalled it. She never asked me to pay for any of it. Just wanted to make sure I was ok.

Then, i’d wish her well, with her new guy, and say that I hope she was happy (even though in my mind I’d secretly hope not… ok, maybe not but whatever). Then I’d take a few of my closest buds and we’d go do up Vegas, Amsterdam, Ibiza, Spain, Brazil for a few months, just living it up.

Money solves everything.

I strolled into work finally at 10:30am.

Couch Potato

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 22:02:34 -0400

Watching Old School. I’m ok right now. Hopefully we don’t see any waterworks tonight.

One of my buddies called.

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 19:56:17 -0400

Him: Hey man, how you feeling?

Me: Shitty. Like that guy in Sarah Marshall before Mila Kunis steps into the picture and makes out with him.

Him: Listen, we need to get you out. Tomorrow there’s this thing going on, one of my guys is getting a table at xxxxxx. Its going to be a blast. Next Tuesday, there’s something going on at xxxxx. Its sponsored by all the tittie bars around the city. It’ll be awesome.

Me: Sounds good man. I’m in.

We got off the phone and all I could think about was her. I played the guitar for a little bit and am now sitting at my computer, updating some shit for some video game I play.

I don’t remember how to talk to girls anymore. Stupid five years of faithfulness.

IM

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 12:40:21 -0400

We started IM’ing today.

I learned that she was going to visit the guy she had cheated me on with this coming weekend. Well, she wasn’t sure yet.

She told me she wanted to say “I love you”. I had asked her not to anymore. I simply said, you don’t say those things to people you claim to love, and then go on a weekend trip with a different guy.

I guess I’m a sucker who never learned how to break up with a girl properly.

I cried a little bit while I was working from home this morning. I remember laughing at the guy in Sarah Marshall. How he cried incessantly and how ridiculous it was. I guess it isn’t.

Fringe

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 22:37:00 -0400

I was sitting on my sofa watching Fringe. Had just eaten some Indian food that we always used to make together (one of those instant boxes that you just had to add some chicken to). Tasted amazing.

I started crying. I didn’t want to. But i did. One of my dogs came up to me and laid on my chest. They truly are man’s best friend. She looked at me as if to say, its going to get better.

I needed to get her stuff out of my place so I grabbed a few boxes of clothes and dropped it off at her place around 9:30pm. Yeah I know, I didn’t have to do it, but just because it was over, didn’t mean I had already gotten over her. She was quiet, and she looked beautiful in her Pink Floyd shirt. I started unloading stuff and she helped me bring stuff in. There were few words said but there was undeniable tension. I just kept thinking to myself “why, why did you ruin such a great thing…”.

Finally the last of it was out of my car. I said I had to go, and she started crying. I wanted to cry too. I walked her to her door, and as she tried to unjam a rock that we had been using to hold it open, i went to close the front gate. I turned around and she was looking down at me through the glass door as it was closing. I had intended on going up, and I could’ve waved her to come down and open it, but I chalked it up to fate. Turned around, got into my car, took one last look at a parking spot that had opened up in front of her building, and left.

I went to work out after that. My mind was numb and I don’t think I had one thought. Just go through the motions.

One of my friends asked me if I wanted to go to a bar (2 dollar pitchers of Coors). It’ll help me forget. I told him I was too depressed. I went to bed and woke up to a text that said she missed me. I texted back that I missed her too.

The End

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 07:21:00 -0400

Or the start of a beginning? We had a nasty fight last night. There was lots of yelling. On my part at least. She was crying trying to hug me. We were laying in bed. In a house that I had bought for the two of us to share and grow a family with one day.

In the end I told her that I had hated what I had become. Earlier in the year I was the epitome of how a normal guy with a great job, and a great girlfriend would be: Top of the world, self esteem through the roof and the paranoia of Switzerland.

After finding out that this woman I had fought with last night had cheated on me, I had become a brooding, paranoid, jealous bastard. And I hated it. I was never like this. But now, everything she said was scrutinized and as such developed into quarrels much like the one we had last night. This fight was different though. I had had enough. I pushed away her attempts to hug me, her “I’m sorry”s buffetted against a wall that I had been building up. Only her tears and upside down smile melted my heart, but I was able to turn away and just close my eyes.

The night ended with: “Please leave your keys on my desk tomorrow”.

I sit here now looking at my mousepad, having just gotten back from walking the dogs. My heart aches. Everything around me reminds me of her. I want to run away.